43 - The Story of My Conscious Uncoupling / Breakup

[00:00:00] Hi everyone and welcome to another episode of The Deeper Podcast. And today is a very special episode because I'm going to be sharing with you the story of my conscious uncoupling. As many of you know, my relationship at the time ended earlier this year.

[00:00:18] And him and I went about that in a very conscious and intentional and sacred way. And I very much want to share with you how we did that, how we came to certain decisions,

[00:00:35] how I experienced all of that, how to move through that as the feminine, how to stay still in love with the masculine. And so it took me some time. It took me some time to be ready to record this episode for you.

[00:00:48] And the reason for that was that I really wanted to be able to sit here with a stable and a heart that can be in integrity.

[00:01:01] And to be honest, when we're processing breakups, there are many layers we have to go through and many flavors we have to go through.

[00:01:09] So I really wanted to be on the other side of that before I sat down with you all because today I very much want to share with you a story of hope.

[00:01:18] Because here's the thing, going through a breakup is one of the hardest things that we can go through. It is massive. It is massive to feel coming on. It is massive to be in and it's massive to heal from.

[00:01:32] So I hope today's conversation is going to bring you some clarity wherever you are in your own journey, some compassion and most of all some hope that actually life has got you. And it's totally safe to go through things like these. So let me start.

[00:01:50] So there's a few things I want to share with you, but let me start with the most important thing.

[00:01:54] And this is really what I wish I had heard a year and a half ago, but him and I had quite a long period where there was kind of the stay go questioning like should we stay together or not? We went through relationship therapy.

[00:02:08] We did all of these things. Looking back, that was way harder than the actual breakup, at least for me. It was way harder to constantly feel your attachment and your attachment system like being that insecurity of like, is this still my person? Is it not?

[00:02:27] Am I am I going to lose my home or not? Am I going to lose my my person or not? Like constantly being in that questioning, to me was way, way more stressful than the actual breakup.

[00:02:40] And I wish somebody had told me that because I would have never believed that to be true. When him and I eventually actually decided to end it, I actually felt relief. I felt calm. I felt clarity. I felt peace.

[00:02:54] I felt like this was the right thing to do. It was that whole period before that where that stay go phase that was so incredibly stressful. So for anybody that's in that stay go phase, I just want you to hear this like this is the hard part.

[00:03:12] The breakup because the thing is that the moment you break up, you're actually always moving forward to a new life and in that stay go phase. That's not set. Not necessarily not necessarily happening.

[00:03:23] But when we are moving from a breakup to eventually rebuilding our new life, it's actually all forward moving energy. And one things are done. They are done. And that wasn't the case in the state go.

[00:03:37] So for anybody that's in that stay go phase, I feel so much compassion for you honestly and really get all the support that you can and be so gentle and graceful with yourself and with each other. But just know that's the hard part.

[00:03:54] That is truly the hard part and I would have never believed that somebody would have told me that but that is the hard part. Yeah.

[00:04:02] Okay, so I know many of you want to know why him and I broke up and today my intention for today's episode is not necessarily to go and spill the tea on everything or to ostracize him or to or sorry to demonize him or to to to what's the word?

[00:04:21] To make it sound like he's the best man ever. You know, I don't want to come in here and give you lots of personal details because they should sort of super private and sacred.

[00:04:33] But I do want to share two things about this that I think are really helpful. The core truth I think about why him and I ended it is that we were simply no longer each other's person.

[00:04:46] And that happens and in a way maybe we've always known or maybe I've always known and it's really easy to say that looking back.

[00:05:01] It was really painful to feel that while being in the relationship like really painful because I always had a whisper somewhere a quiet feeling somewhere that this wasn't my man and I fell madly in love with him

[00:05:15] and we built our life together and we were planning a family and all of that, you know.

[00:05:20] So having that whisper there was torture but the entire relationship I and I'm sure he did too but I had a whisper that this was maybe a great man but he wasn't my man.

[00:05:33] Over the years my body started whispering that louder and louder until towards the end it felt like undeniable. It felt like God was leading me to a different man and again I cannot tell you how hard and how torturous that is to feel when you are deeply

[00:05:47] deeply in love with somebody and want to spend your life with them.

[00:05:52] So this is not some romantic thing to say like oh yeah well it's all okay because I always knew he wasn't my guy like that was horrendous to feel but I felt it and I tried to ignore it and I tried to say that it was my

[00:06:05] avoidant attachment system and I tried to like pathologize myself out of it and but there was this kind of knowing as if my womb knew

[00:06:14] and if there's anything that I would love for you to take from this podcast especially as a woman listening to this is I think your womb knows. Your womb knows, your womb knows where she belongs, where she wants to open and my womb didn't really

[00:06:34] and it wasn't like a hard no it just wasn't a full yes. Yeah. Now a little bit more about somebody not feeling like your person anymore. I also want to mention that that can totally happen over time.

[00:06:58] Somebody can totally be your person for two years and then not anymore for the third year. That is the reality of love. The reality of love is that because we are all raised with this like Disney idea of like we're going to meet our Prince Charming

[00:07:11] and that's going to be our forever love and some people have those kind of loves and a lot of people don't and we have incredible loves for a week, a month, five years, 10 years, 20 years and things can change.

[00:07:23] And so one of the things that really helped was a mantra that I used as I moved through my breakup was it is safe to love.

[00:07:33] It is safe to let go of love because love will always find me in new ways that I can't even imagine yet but it is safe to love and it's safe to let go of love.

[00:07:43] So we will likely have several great loves in our life and at a certain point they might not be that anymore. And I think the conversation we're not having a lot actually publicly is how important it is to feel and to sense in our

[00:08:00] bodies, in our wombs and to question like is this my person still? Am I a full yes? Because this is not a rational thing. It's not a rational decision of like pros and cons less like is he my man or not? It's like this deep cellular knowing.

[00:08:15] But okay. The other part that I want to share about why him and I broke up because also because I think this is useful. Him and I had kind of a messiness, a chronic triggerness, a resentment that just didn't seem to lift no matter how

[00:08:33] hard we worked at it, no matter how much we tried, how much therapy we had and how many skills we had. It just didn't lift. And this is a really important point. We had all the tools him and I combined.

[00:08:45] We had all the tools, all the nonviolent communication, relationship therapy, and my go dialogue, third stage polarity practice, tantric embodiments like all of it. We had it. And this absolutely helped us navigate things. Oh my God did it.

[00:09:00] I don't even want to know what would have happened if we didn't have those tools. It absolutely helped us navigate things, but it doesn't necessarily fix or solve a core incompatibility. Sorry, a core incompatibility. It doesn't necessarily solve that. And that's kind of wild to imagine, right?

[00:09:17] I think we all go into this world of personal development and relationship and polarity and all of that hoping that when we have these skills, we can save relationships. And it's, I would actually challenge that a little bit.

[00:09:33] For instance, in my go dialogue, it's a great way to have a conversation by Harville Hendricks. And it's pretty much a way to share what's happening in your world and for somebody to reflect that back at you.

[00:09:43] And especially when there's relationship conflict, it can really help to be able to hear each other's story and not go into the debate. But here's the thing. Yes, because of the Emago dialogue, we could hear each other, but it didn't necessarily remove why the conflict was happening.

[00:10:01] It meant that there was more love and compassion and understanding, but it didn't necessarily solve that. So I just want you to feel that like I am a big fan of all these tools.

[00:10:18] I really am and all this embodiment work and the healing work and the nervous system work is very, very, very important without that. I don't, I truly don't even want to know what would have happened between me and

[00:10:28] him, but it doesn't necessarily fix when two people aren't meant to be together. Let me say a little bit more about that because the core truth of why him and I are no longer together is that we weren't compatible anymore. And that's the hard truth of relationships.

[00:10:47] There can be immense love. There can be immense friendship and partnership and gosh, all of that. You can have the same vision for the future and you can still not be compatible. And that's what him and I had and the way to kind of cause every

[00:11:07] relationship has compromised. So I know what I'm about to get into with you is very complex, but every relationship has some form of compromise, right? Every relationship has some kind of like we're hooking into each other's childhood wounds and we compromised to help meet each other's needs.

[00:11:22] And that might not be natural to you. Like let's say one person is very messy and the other person is very clean. You both will have to compromise a little bit to meet in the middle, but there is incompatibility when that compromise is killing you, is

[00:11:38] killing your soul a little is breaking you down. And that is what him and I had at certain needs and desires that we had in our lives. We wanted to meet for each other, but it was we were dying a little bit on the inside from it.

[00:11:53] And so that might be really hard to hear. I would have not wanted to hear that year and a half ago, fully admit that, but that is one of the core questions. Like does it feel relatively easy? Relatively easy.

[00:12:09] Like does it feel doable to meet each other's needs? Does it feel doable? Yeah. The other truth of that is, is that the hardest thing about this is that love isn't necessarily enough. And oh my gosh, I know I'm like ruining every princess's dream

[00:12:28] right now, but love isn't necessarily enough. There's so much more that builds union that builds a solid relationship than just love. I still feel deep love for that man. But there is not a cell in my body that thinks him and I should be together. Right? Okay.

[00:12:45] So I once did a post a long time ago, how to know what a healthy relationship is for the feminine. And I want it, I'm going to give you two of these lists. I'm going to give you a list now and towards the end.

[00:12:59] But this is a list a little bit on the first check of like, is this relationship serving me as a more feminine person? The first thing was, is there an us? So do you feel like there's an us happening?

[00:13:13] Of course this might be different in the initial stages of dating, but at a certain point, like are you together and is there an us? Does it feel like we are doing something? We are building a future together. Especially in the masking because the masking loves his freedom.

[00:13:28] So he'll have some resistance to being that. So if he has committed, there will, you'll feel the us. Number two is are you playful? Are you giggling? Are you teasing? Are you joyful? And the third one is, are you exhaling? Are you softening when he's around?

[00:13:47] Well, in my previous relationship, there was definitely an us because we had this very committed relationship. I was definitely giggling, but I wasn't exhaling. I wasn't exhaling when he entered the room. I was actually holding my breath and I don't even know why that was happening.

[00:14:03] Maybe I do, but for a long time, I didn't know. And that's really a very important place to check with yourself. Like how does my body soften when he enters the room? Yeah. I'm going to add two more checks here.

[00:14:22] The other thing that I now know I'm going to keep as the big North Star for any next relationship I get into is how much creative energy there is happening because the two of you are together.

[00:14:37] So for me now, a sign of a healthy relationship is whether there is this creative energy is life moving forward and expanding because of your union is life flowing. Are things happening? Are you creating the truth was between him and I the last two years of our relationship.

[00:14:51] I felt like I was swimming against the stream not just between me and him, but in life everything seemed to get to a standstill. Everything seemed to stop. I felt like nothing was moving. I couldn't get anything to work and that's really what it felt like.

[00:15:11] It felt like God almost was telling me like if you stay here everything's going to come to a standstill like nothing was flowing anymore. And I really see this in the couples around me that are really like, oh, they've got that beautiful union.

[00:15:29] They have so much creative energy happening between them, but also in their own lives. Like it seems like literally we come together, right? Union sexuality eros is a way to create life. So that's almost the purpose of life feels like it's coming into a standstill. Oof.

[00:15:46] That's a sign and I know this is going to be my north star in every relationship if I feel again like like the volume is starting to turn down on my life. That's that's not the place for me to be.

[00:15:58] So bit related to that the other check that I would love to add here is are you becoming more of you or less of you? Are you expanding? So so is there more of you and I want to bring this check

[00:16:12] because I didn't realize I was losing this part in my in that last relationship. I didn't realize I was becoming less of me at all. It's only after we broke up that I was like, hey, they're Sophie again and I am so much more.

[00:16:29] And that's also one I will never ever lose that again in the next connection ever like and I've agreed with my girlfriends if you've ever seen me do that again, let me know because of course we become or at least I adapt

[00:16:42] myself a bit when I'm in union and I become a little bit more wifey and all of that. But are you becoming more of you or less of you? Are you deepening or are you becoming more quiet?

[00:16:59] And that's really like so if you are, yeah, I'm sure if you are right now considering whether or not to break up with somebody or you're in a breakup. I know hearing all these things are hard and confronting.

[00:17:10] I promise I'm going to get to the hopeful part, but I just want to send out some love if you're listening to this and you're just like, ouch, because I know where you are. Gosh, I spent more than a year in that stay go phase

[00:17:20] and it was one of the hardest things. Now here's the tricky part. Relationships are complicated and whether or not to leave it is complicated. So because it rarely is all bad between me and him. It wasn't all bad.

[00:17:46] There was also so much love and joy and fun and sacredness and friendship and all of that, right? There was so much of that. And so leaving someone is hard. I think sometimes in the personal development world we like to say like if he doesn't treat you right,

[00:17:58] go, you have to go just leave. And I probably would have been somebody that set that five years ago, but now feeling how hard it actually is for somebody to leave or maybe it's just me, but I'm I'm I can't imagine just me.

[00:18:11] It is genuinely hard to leave somebody. It takes time and so don't beat yourself up over having maybe months or my case years of just that uncertainty and like I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing for myself.

[00:18:30] Like don't beat yourself up over that because it is genuinely really hard to leave somebody because it's never that black or white. Yeah. Okay, so next question. I know many of you asked when did him and I know it was over

[00:18:44] and something I've always taught my clients is the you know that some things over not because of some mental pros and cons list. It's not a decision often in my experience. Most people wake up one day and just know it's over.

[00:18:58] And for him and me, even though we had more than a year of this conscious exploration of whether or not to stay together, that actually also happened. We took a month apart and in that apartness because there was there was just so much turmoil happening.

[00:19:12] We knew we needed some time apart and in that time apart, pretty much in the same week, he was a bit earlier than me, but pretty much in the same week, we both said it is done. We need to stop.

[00:19:24] And it was genuinely that it was just waking up and all of a sudden you just know it's finished. And that didn't happen in the months before that, even though God I wanted to have a decision so badly. It didn't because I was trying to force the decision.

[00:19:38] The decision kind of happened. It was like my body made the decision. And here's an important thing on that. One of our one of our relationship therapists kept sharing that with us like you can't do something wrong. You can't do this wrong. You can't stay too long.

[00:19:52] You can't leave too early. You will have the experience in a relationship that you need to. You will have the experience that yeah, that you need to if you need to fall off the bike, then that is exactly what you need to do.

[00:20:04] And this is also something I wish people would talk about more with so much more kindness and compassion. Like we talk about relationships like it's something you can really do wrong. You have to stay on top of it to fight for your worth

[00:20:15] and there's a core truth to that. But also you will go through the experience that you go through if you have a bad relationship or something like that. Maybe that's the exact thing you have to learn and experience at some point in your life so that you'll never

[00:20:30] ever do it again. You don't know right? You can't do love wrong. You will have because me as a feminine person, I believe the mask and holds timing for us. And so you will have the timing that is meant for you. Yeah.

[00:20:45] Okay, so the next thing I know many of you also want to know how did we do this conscious and coupling? So what does it mean to conscious and couple? I hate that word and I know there's a book about it. I actually never ended up reading it.

[00:21:03] But what him and I did was we made a conscious decision to not end in triggers so to not trigger away from each other but to love away from each other. And we decided to really take our time so we weren't going to rush this.

[00:21:17] So in effect, I literally told them this a week ago, I said you and I probably hold the record for the slowest breakup ever because we pulled the bandaid off so slowly. Like I felt every little tiny inch of that bandaid pulling off.

[00:21:35] I felt like I was present for every piece of the pain. And as you can hear, that is not easier. That is not easier. I thought this was harder than any other breakup I've ever had. Like my heart broke.

[00:21:54] So I was so present for all the pain and the heartbreak and the separating. And him and I made a conscious decision to do that together. And not like, I don't know if I would ever do it like this again to be very honest because it's,

[00:22:10] well maybe I would, but it's really, it's not the easier choice. It's not some like deeply romantic idea that you just love each other through it. And like our hearts were breaking. We were just incredibly present and said yes to

[00:22:23] the experience and sat in front of each other as our hearts were breaking. It also meant that we processed a lot of triggers together. And that's definitely a practice I would love to give you. So what him and I did is that we would often share

[00:22:34] the stories we were making or break up mean. So if we, we would for instance say like, I'm making it mean, like in my case that you no longer want to be in this relationship because I got sick and I don't have good health.

[00:22:49] And we would talk about that. And maybe there was some truth to it. And maybe there wasn't at all. And it was just really nice to actually digest. And so none of the stories got stuck. So I right now, I don't have any like weird story

[00:23:04] about why that ended or why I wasn't it for him anymore. Like I don't have anything in my system anymore. So I will say that was very beautiful and healthy and also hard because sometimes there was some truth to it.

[00:23:17] But it felt like we got to digest it in a very mature way. Yes. What I will say because of the conscious uncoupling what I noticed now on the other side of it, at least for me things are way more calm.

[00:23:34] So I feel like I have complete closure and I in my previous breakups that were like cold turkey right now don't want to have contact anymore. Never going to speak to you again. I had a much longer period of non-cloak closure.

[00:23:51] And I will say because of this very, very slow, very painful and also very beautiful conscious uncoupling. I feel a lot of closure. I feel a lot of calm. I feel a lot of clarity. I feel gratitude. I feel all of that because I think we

[00:24:07] did it the way we did it. And let me say a little bit more about that we took our time. So we broke up at the beginning of January. He didn't move out until April. We have slowly allowed the contact to

[00:24:21] become less over time and it's not like we're fully out of contact with each other. We might but we're allowing each other's nervous systems to slowly unravel this. Yeah. So there's a few things that I really cared about doing in this break up.

[00:24:42] So a few values that I had because I didn't want to boss bait my way through this. I wanted to do this the soft and feminine way and I really want to share them with you because oh my gosh, they made just my heart so much softer.

[00:24:55] So the first thing I did and I'm not going to say it's easy. It's not. I continued to honor our relationship and I continue to honor him. Things went wrong between me and him without going into details things. There were many things that didn't go well.

[00:25:13] It is easy to want to burn it all down. It is easy to want to fill a nice space. I was a little bit nervous about it. Even though the conch and coupling may sound really loving, I didn't only fill love for him.

[00:25:25] There was a lot of anger and a lot of harder reasons of why we broke up that I had anger to process. And I'll share a little bit more about that in a second. But there was a time and place for me to process that anger and that

[00:25:40] was mostly with my girlfriends for something called swamping. I tried to at every point to come back. I wanted to be in a place where I continued to honor him and I continued to honor our relationship. Why? And it doesn't mean that I'm going to

[00:25:59] pretend like it was the best thing ever. That's also not it. I want to honor it in its completeness but not somebody actually gave me this tip when my mother died nine years ago and somebody gave me this advice when she passed. When we go through grief to

[00:26:16] remember somebody in the completeness of the world. And I wanted to remember that I was a little bit more open to, you know, what's it called? To only see the good but to really see the complete picture and that is what actually helps give a closure.

[00:26:34] So if it was not easy but I tried to come back to that so to really hold it all to hold the pain, the ugly but also the love and the divine timing and the gratitude. So I was the first thing. So especially as a feminine being

[00:26:48] closing your heart to the mask and is the biggest way to portray yourself more than anything. And I vowed to never ever close up again. So no matter what was happening, I made it mean nothing about men masculinity or love. I still don't make it mean

[00:27:06] anything about love so that this relationship didn't work out doesn't mean anything to me about other relationships and that I will have this anger. I like to call this the scorned woman who was done wrong. So of course I felt wrong. I felt judgment. I was

[00:27:24] angry. I had that's probably the biggest reason why I didn't record this podcast yet. I had a lot of anger and a lot of layers of anger and I process a lot of that of course with therapists and support systems but really mostly with my girlfriends because

[00:27:40] here's the thing women can hold your big energy more so than think about the strength of a man. Men can show each other that but they have to keep that a little bit from us but we have the same thing with our emotions

[00:27:52] right? Our emotions are a lot for a man it's a lot but our girlfriends they can hold it. So I definitely had a lot of time with my girlfriends where I just got to be in my anger and I got to process it but here's what

[00:28:08] I tried to come back to. So as long as I'm judgment like oh my god he was a narcissist we are not feeling all the ways you are judging him are ways to go out instead of going in. They are ways to not be with the pain

[00:28:28] like feel the difference between these two things like he was selfish versus ah I felt really lonely he was a narcissist versus I felt invisible he cheated on me versus I feel so rejected do you feel that there's the moment we're in judgment we have left our heart

[00:28:56] and you might be completely righting your judgment but just notice that the judgment removes you from your heart so even though I had lots of time in my angry scorned woman that was done wrong and she still comes back I try to feel the layer underneath the judgment

[00:29:14] yeah okay the fourth thing I did last thing I want to talk about here is that I took my time I took months probably 5-6 months to record this podcast I took my time for anybody especially a feminine creature going through this

[00:29:31] take some time off to grieve have time to go in let yourself heal from this like it's from a surgery it's a really big thing to release the person that was your masculine pillar it's a really big thing to go from to a me

[00:29:45] it's a really big thing to have to at least in my case to bring in your self-sufficiency again yeah it's like a surgery and the pieces need to heal back into place so give it time let the grief take you no resistance because especially when we don't hide

[00:30:03] behind the judgment you will start feeling the pain and what if you actually let it take you I have to admit up until he moved out I was a mess I was a blubbering crying emoting mess there were layers and layers of just

[00:30:19] ugly cries and wailing and all of that ever since he moved out which has now been 2-3 months I have barely cried and it looks more like kind of the surgery healing just quiet time stillness so say yes to how your body wants to emote

[00:30:37] go all in let the grief take you okay many of you wanted to know how we did our closing ceremony so him and I did a closing ceremony the day before he moved out and it was really whoa it was really something special and really hard so

[00:30:57] we have a relationship we had a relationship therapist called Summer Brown she's absolutely incredible and she facilitated a very beautiful ceremony that I will cherish my entire life and I know you all want to know what we did there so let me just share the four main elements

[00:31:11] what we did is that she first what she did really well was that she spoke that these are the last times that things will be addressed and that after this we will move on and that we will move on from each other

[00:31:25] that we will let each other go that we will let go of the love and the pain and the conversation between us so this is the last time this is the closure so then we first took ownership of both of us over what hadn't been so nice

[00:31:41] which was oh so beautiful then and this was really a love that she put this in here the second thing is we spoke to each other and claimed what we were going to do different for our new life so I for instance say I will never betray

[00:31:53] my womb again in choosing a man and we claimed that in front of each other which was of course beautiful and painful at the same time because you feel the new life that's going to happen in each other then we spoke the deepest gratitudes

[00:32:05] to each other like deepest gratitudes one of my favorite moments and then we deeply honored and released each other and wished each other well it was so beautiful so painful I can make me cry again like it was I didn't think I would cry it was oh

[00:32:21] I thought I would have a heart attack at some point because my heart was hurting so much but the moment that closing ceremony was done it was done it was done like yeah so I'm going to share at the end some answers to questions like

[00:32:39] what if somebody doesn't want to do a closing ceremony but for anybody that you're both open to doing that highly recommend doing that I want to mention a little bit about how men and women process breakups differently so one of the things I heard a lot

[00:32:53] from all of you in my inbox was that we the masculine feminine tend to process things differently and I won't say it's always like this it's generally like this I also know people where it's flipped but what I generally see is

[00:33:07] that women tend to feel a lot more in the beginning like fire and then it kind of tends to calm down men tend to go a little bit more in the practicals and the bomb doesn't really hit until life is different so to give an example

[00:33:25] while he was still living in the same house with me he was pretty much fine he was just worried about his moving and the practicalities we had to get out of the way and I was a sobbing blubbering mess after he moved out I was actually quite fine

[00:33:43] and he had his process slowly digesting the breakup so it tends to with men I tend to see that it moves much more slower like the masculine body the emotional body is much more dense so it does move through it more slowly and it doesn't make the pain

[00:33:59] any less so sometimes people think oh men they just don't feel it or they're running away from their feelings I don't want to ascribe to that at all actually in my experience from working with men in my courses and in my coaching

[00:34:17] I actually think the pain is often even stronger and it takes much longer so just feel that the masculine feminine tend to have a different process here and that's okay so part of the breakup what him and I did was to respect

[00:34:33] that we were not the same and we were not digesting it the same it's a whole space for each other even though one of us might actually be totally fine okay so what now I'm going to share on a different podcast more about how I'm navigating being single

[00:34:50] and feminine and slowly dating again how I'm calling the next thing into my life but I want you to just have this massive message of hope I am so much happier right now and that is not to break anything of what him and I had

[00:35:08] but the stress of being with somebody that isn't really our person took something away from me and it's coming back now yes it's hard sometimes being alone especially with my deep desire for family and for union and to be wife and all of that yes it's definitely hard

[00:35:26] but I feel like actually I'm on my way to it now and I didn't feel actually I didn't feel like that when I was in that relationship but now I do I am so much more of me now I am radiant I haven't been radiant in years

[00:35:40] people fall off their bikes when they see me even though like I pretty much went in and out of a depression for six months breakups can be such an incredible catalyst for rapid transformation for unapologetic ownership of who we are and living the life that we've always desired

[00:35:56] when we say yes to that energy breakups can actually be a blessing when we trust God that it's safe to love and it's safe to let go of love because love will always find us again a breakup can be a blessing and I'm not diminishing at all

[00:36:12] that it's hard as hell to break up the house and decide who's going to keep what spatula who's going to keep the bed oh my god I'm not terrible and a breakup can be an absolute blessing an absolute catalyst

[00:36:28] like don't artists always say that breakups are the best thing for their creative energy because there's so much life force in it actually so say yes to what the medicine is that's being offered to you I feel myself so much more deeply because of what happened there

[00:36:42] I feel so much more ready and balanced for family and union and that's because of this connection and for that honestly I didn't think I was going to cry okay for that I will always be grateful to him because I am who I am today because of him

[00:37:04] and even though we are not meant to be together and the last two years of our relationship were at times just utter suffering for both of us gosh did we hurt each other I am grateful for him because I am who I am today

[00:37:18] because of that because I am ready for union because of that I learned so much through him and through our connection that I feel so ready for the life I want to call him and I will forever be grateful to him for that

[00:37:38] and that's the truth it's okay that love ends I'm going to repeat my mantra that I have the entire breakup and I want to leave you with it it is safe to love it is safe to let go of love because love wants to happen

[00:37:52] and I will always find me again in ways I can't even imagine yet okay let me get my charger for a second because I want to answer some questions that I'm sure some of you have and the first one is

[00:38:12] what if the other doesn't want to do this consciously yeah shit I get it and the truth is that there can be so much pain and people need to do what they need to do to take care of themselves love them where they are

[00:38:26] and do what they need to do to take care of themselves and choose it at least on your end to end it consciously see if you can feel beyond your judgment see if you can close with gratitude and closure and know that nobody owes you closure

[00:38:42] so don't wait for somebody else to give you that closure decide you'll have it you choose grace you choose love you choose feeling you choose that and somebody else needs to do what they need to do to survive okay so should I stay or go

[00:39:04] maybe you're in a stay go phase now and you want to know should I stay or go and I'm going to give you a very clear list with five considerations in a moment let me start with this every relationship has stuff

[00:39:17] every relationship will have compromises I shared earlier every relationship has periods that are less or so I love this quote from Michelle Obama that there was a decade where she didn't like Barak you know it's part of relationships and so that's always the hard thing when is it

[00:39:31] so bad that it's too bad so we have to go right and there isn't this like clear line but let me tell you that in my experience time eventually tells with him and I it took two years but time eventually tells because it became unsustainable

[00:39:51] if it isn't serving you it will become unsustainable at some point but let me leave you with these five considerations so the first thing is is it giving you life is it energizing you is there more of you or does it just feel like burden

[00:40:09] the second one especially as the feminine do you at your core respect who he is right now that doesn't mean that you can't be bothered by things he's doing but do you respect who he is right now because here's the thing the polarity to a certain

[00:40:25] extent is an exchange of respect and devotion if we as the feminine no longer feel respect for our men something has happened not this relationship but one of my earlier relationships in my life towards the end I wasn't I didn't respect what he was doing

[00:40:41] with his work like not at all I thought he was flaky and made a mess and and and and stubborn and whatnot and I hadn't felt that throughout our relationship but towards the end I did and that was the signal for me that I had to get out

[00:40:55] because the moment we don't respect our men in what they're building and who they are and what they choose to be that is a sign that that exchange of respect and devotion on our side isn't working anymore okay number three

[00:41:11] this is a big one is there some kind of consistent resentment contempt or dismissal so the Gottmans they speak about this right I think they call it the five horsemen or something it's actually the greatest predictor for relationship success it is these minimum these like tiny moments of

[00:41:31] contempt of when somebody has a has a bid for connection and you say not right now babe or they're like look at the dog you're like no no no don't like I have something to do like these like dismissal but definitely contempt resentment especially resentment

[00:41:47] you know if there is a consistent pattern of that I will tell you one thing resentment that starts to live a life of its own if you don't actually really like the person that you love resentment is a sign that there is consistently something

[00:42:03] happening that you are not okay with that's why the resentment comes up so if there's consistent resentment contempt or dismissal my goodness is that a reason to get out especially if you have worked on it number four does it feel like God is telling you to go

[00:42:25] does it feel like you are going against the current that all the signs are pointing in that direction that your womb is telling you does it feel like God is asking you to go and that's really what happened for me I felt like God was

[00:42:37] saying girl get out this is not it I would have this very strange thing that I would had in our entire relationship I would look in the mirror with him and I and I just couldn't look at it because it looked wrong and I didn't know

[00:42:51] why because I loved him I thought he was beautiful and I just thought him and I looked wrong together and that never lifted and now I know it was like God who is telling me this is a

[00:43:05] net this is a net this is a net this is a net this is a net so ask God for help ask God for clarity ask him to show you where he wants you to be where he wants love to happen for you

[00:43:19] but number four is really does it feel like God is telling you to not be here number five is a just a summary of all that we've talked about what if what if you truly knew that being in a hard relationship

[00:43:34] is so much harder than being single will ever be would that make it easier for you to go because that's honestly the truth being in a hard relationship is so much harder than being single will ever be like I am so much happier now

[00:43:47] and of course there's hard stuff but I am so much happier so if you're going through the stay go phase yourself as I said earlier get some support I mean it for yourself for the both of you whatever anybody is available to

[00:44:03] get support because it is hard as hell to have your attachment system be triggered constantly that is so turbulent and destabilizing in so many ways yeah there's also an episode on the podcast actually with John Connelly from Rapid Resolution Therapy where he leads me

[00:44:27] actually and this is recorded in December he leads me through an ROT session to clear relationship resentment and it was actually he was a big reason why I was able to finally see clearly because I was so overtaken by my resentment and my anger and my pain

[00:44:41] that I couldn't even see clearly what was happening whether to stay or go and after that call with John that episode I knew I knew I had to get out so and then for anybody that's moving through a breakup or still stuck or still thinking of them

[00:44:59] and they just feel like they're still ties or their heart still has ties or it just isn't closure whatever I actually created a mini course a mini bundle for you with two very powerful resources and one is a shamanic release to cut the cords so you can release

[00:45:17] the X and move on and the other one is an ROT guided process to also release the X but then also reclaim your single feminine and feel so beautiful and powerful in yourself again if you want that bundle

[00:45:33] DM me the words on Instagram I'm ready to let go and we will get you the link okay darlings now gosh I know I shared a lot and I know if you are going through any of this how tender your heart will be listening to all of this

[00:45:47] but let me leave you with the words with the mantra it is safe to love it is safe to let go of love because love will always find me again in ways I can't even imagine yet because love wants to happen hmm okay I love hearing from you

[00:46:11] in my DMs what you are taking away from this episode so please do share it because this is a very personal story and I really care about that this is useful to you in any sort of way so please do DM me what you're taking from this and

[00:46:29] yeah it is safe to let go of love and it's safe to love and we are all beautiful warriors of love okay darlings thank you so much for listening